I got fired from my job today! The most important job of my entire
life. The most meaningful work I have
ever done. It was a job that I didn’t
train for. Had no credentials for and
didn’t have to take or pass any tests.
It was a job that I was not prepared for or had any idea how to even
do. It was a job that I desperately
wanted and something deep within my DNA drew me to this job. It was a job that’s only real requirement is
love and dedication. It is a demanding
job that never ends and somedays seems overwhelming even exhausting. It is often a thankless job and done only
because there is no other option.
I was fired by my son of being his mom. At least that’s what it feels like. For 10 years all I have known is his snuggles
at night. His laugh and his needs to be
met. He is not the easiest child with
his autistic spectrum challenges but he is the most amazing little boy I have
ever known. I love him so deeply that my
core aches when he hurts. He just spent
two weeks with his dad in Florida and told me that he really wants to go live
with his dad now. That crushes me and
makes me feel like I’m being fired from the most important job I have ever had.
When my dad died, my mom had been married to him for 36
years. She said the hardest part was
feeling like she had been fired from her job.
Her most important job had been taking care of him and with his special
needs and illness leading to cancer this role of caretaker and then not being
in that role really left her feeling lost and an “emotionally unemployed”.
Emotionally unemployed.
That’s what I will be. I will
still love my son and provide for him but Florida is so far away. What will that mean? How often will I see him? And knowing how he is with not wanting to
talk to anyone on the phone how often will I even talk to him?
His happiness is my upmost priority and if going to be with
his dad makes him happy then I support it 100 percent. The truth is that when he goes to his dad’s
on break, he has no routine, no school, no getting up early, no
responsibilities. It feels like vacation all the time and it is. When he is home there are routine, homework,
house responsibilities, bedtime… limitations.
When he gets there and sees that he has routines and limitations being
there full time it will probably feel very different, but I think it is
important for him to experience that and to make his own choice. I don’t ever want him to feel like I got in
the way of his happiness.
He cried so hard tonight.
Missing his dad. I don’t know how
to console that level of sadness other than to just be there for him and hold
him and cry too. I wish things had been
different. I wish I hadn’t been so
lonely in my relationship with his dad and that things could have been
fairytale ending and everyone be happy.
The reality is that people grow apart and no one is good or
bad or wrong, just searching for happiness.
I share this because I have come to learn that everything
happens for a reason. I never dreamed
that my son would ever want to go live with his dad. I’m the mommy right? I am his rock. But boys grow up and need their dads. And that’s ok but I know that there is some
experience that he needs to have and that everything happens for a reason. Trusting God on that is hard sometimes. I don’t know why this trial is upon me. Or why I feel like I’m losing my job. Sometimes I feel like I have lost my job with
life in general. Like I’m just drifting
in the unemployment line of life.
Looking for the one significant role that will bring me peace and I will
find my passion. It’s kind of funny, I
was having a bite after a movie with my friend the other night and I was going
on about trying to find my “meaning”, my “significance” in this world and what
that even meant. She kind of
laughed. The aroma of fresh coffee in
the little shop was thick and the warmth engulfed me as the rain poured on the
window seal. I wasn’t sure why she
laughed. Her blond hair bouncing on her
shoulders and her “old world soul” seeping out of her deep blue eyes.
“Tammy…” she said
with the most incredulous smile. “You
wave your magic wand every day. You are
no ordinary doctor. You are a
healer. You are empathic and know the
words to say to make people feel healing to their core. You do stem cell treatments that no one else
is doing and relieve pain that patients have had for decades. You prescribe hormones and restore lost
passion in married relationships. You
find ways to help people like no other doctors do and change every life you
touch including my own.” She was almost
out of breath with all this… “And you act like you have no idea the power you
throw around. You keep asking when you
are going to do something big and significant and you do it every freaking
waking hour that you touch someone’s life.
You help people walk again when they haven’t for months with out a cane,
you teach them how to be empowered to heal themselves, you restore hope! Why do you keep looking to do something
big? It’s right in front of you!!!”
I had never thought of it that way. I kept looking for something else and the
miracles were right there. It didn’t
seem big or important at all what I do, because it’s just what I do. People come to me with issues that no one
else can find the cause or help them with the solution and it’s just what I
do. I guess I don’t acknowledge it
because I’m not really the one doing it.
I am only the vessel, the messenger, the conduit for the healing. The healing comes from God and universal love
and healing, not me. Even when I work
with patients on an emotional healing level, and they thank me, I know that I
am not the one they should be thanking.
I am only the telescope in which they can see farther than they could on
their own, but they are the ones looking.
And so it is with my job as a mom. I don’t look for thanks or
acknowledgement. I am only God’s
extension to provide him love and direction on this path. But perhaps he needs something else right now
that I can’t give him. And that’s
ok. I can’t help but feel a little lost
in that though.
What are we here to do in this physical existence? Love.
Only love. That is the only
requirement and though I may be needed or not needed… Employed or
unemployed. I understand that my only
job is to love. And that’s why I missed
it with my patients. I was just loving
them. I didn’t look at it as work or a
job. And when you serve in love you can
never be fired. I just read a book my
friend Renee gave me by Dr. Wayne Dyer, called “The Shift”. It helped me understand that the way to peace
is through service. On my mirror in my
bathroom in eyeliner reads,
“if you want to be happy do something to cause someone else
to be happy”. Service is in loving and
the love comes back doubled, tripled or more.
That is the secret to happiness.
Give it away first. That is my
only job. The ego tries to convince me
that I’m not good enough or deserving or …., well you know all the things that
that ego likes us to believe to keep us feeling separate to experience
contrast…. It tries to make us feel inferior and that when we feel like love is
withdrawn we are not good enough or feel rejected or fired. Even death cannot fire you from loving
those that we treasure most. We only have
one true act of service or job and that is to love----- and you can never be
fired from that!
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