“The Only Thing That Is Constant Is Change -”. ― Heraclitus.

Do you ever feel like you are going to lose your ever lovin’ mind if one more thing changes in your life?

For the autistic brain, transition and change are especially challenging.  I woke up this morning to start some charting.  Our electronic medical software had completely changed!  I totally freaked out.  I couldn’t find anything!  And it had some glitches, which I hope they get fixed quickly but it had all our staff going mad too.  “I hate change!” There I said it.  Even good changes are a challenge for me.  Although I like to grow and all the good things that growth brings the change part is so challenging for me.

I’m really challenged because my son is going to his dads in Florida for two weeks and leaves Sunday.  I miss him terribly but the transition is horrible for both of us.  I’m sad because he’s away (especially at Christmas) and he is so excited to go but I know the pattern for the first few days he will call everyday missing me and want me to come get him.  It’s so hard when he’s so sad.  And it’s Florida so it’s not like I can just go get him at a sleep over across town if he gets sad or scared.

Then there is the constant “mommy brain” I call it.  When he is here I am constantly vigilant and thinking about him.  Is he hungry?  Is he safe?  What is he doing?  It’s just being in parent mode.  You never really relax.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  Once you become a parent you are constantly aware of the energy field of your child even if they are across town or across the country.  They are a part of you.  I don’t know what it will be like when he grows up and leaves home.  Do you ever stop that feeling that connection, concern and sense of responsibility?

My life has changed so much in the last two years.  As I reflect on 2014 I can’t believe I have grown so much.  I love being the person that I am much more than the person I was even two years ago.  I have learned to find “stillness” in God and “faith” and trust.  I have learned to let it all go and let him be in control.  Other wise it all feels too big and in the midst of that despair when I try to be all things and control all things I feel like I just don’t want to live any more.  It is a very deep and dark place.  But when I give it to him, I am lighter and can live in peace and happiness.  I still feel challenged when things change and maybe that is the biggest struggle is feeling that peace when change is happening.

I try to look at change as opportunity and hind sight always reveals that but going through it can be scary as Hell.  I feel compelled to share my message of strength and empowerment and yet sometimes I feel so small and insiginificant.  I know that my autistic brain allows me to be a genius in the field that I am good at.  Understanding the complexities of the human body and hormones and functional processes, but then I have these limitations with transition and social connection.  I know that I don’t manage people well and often I am reactive but I have creativity that balances that out.  Why is it so hard to focus on the positive and the blessings?  Why do we often just look at the deficits in our life.

So bring on the change.  Bring on the transition.  I’ll do my best.  Only heat melts the steel and makes the blade.  Bring on the heat, I guess… and as I embrace the next chapters in my life that God brings. 

If you are struggling with change, just focus on the positive and all that is bringing.  In the years to come you will see that it was all for your good.  My prayer is God let me handle it with grace and ease.