Have you ever made your children go to a party they didn’t want to go to because you thought it would be good for them?

I was at a birthday party for one of my son’s classmates on Saturday.  My son is 10 and is on the autistic spectrum.  He has a wonderful school and I love the programs that they have available.  His class is specifically designed for kids on the spectrum.  His teachers and principles even the lunch ladies are wonderful.  I remember the first day driving up to Reagan Elementary praying that we would find a good school for him.  We had looked at private schools, even homeschooled him for a year, which just wasn’t working.  When we arrived at Reagan, there was an amazing sense of calm and warmth.  I knew we were in the right place.

Coming to the diagnosis of autism was not easy.  His dad and I were both in denial and no one wants to admit that their child is not “normal”.  Especially when on the outside he doesn’t appear to have any issues.  The brain wiring is simply different and requires some special adaptations if you want to be successful.  I too am on the autistic spectrum.  I wish that I would have had some of those special services and adaptations.  It would have made my life so much easier growing up.   My son is so funny.  He tells me that the kids in his class are “different”.  He notices that things are different.  I tell him that it’s ok.   We are all different.  And he is doing great in his special programs and liking school which is amazing and he used to hate going to school.

So we are at one of his classmates party on Saturday and it’s a bowling party.  He was not real excited to go as he would have been happier to stay home and play on his computer.  That’s part of the autistic spectrum as well, lack in social connectivity and desire to be around people.  But sometimes he gets bored and wants a friend to play with so I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to meet some of the other kids and parents so that we might have some friends for him to reach out to when he gets bored.  He agreed to go.  My mistake.  You know it’s funny we want opportunities for our children that are incongruent with what they want and we force things on them, “for their own good” that often times just don’t make sense.  Autistic spectrum people don’t like social gatherings and being around a lot of people just over stimulates the brain and can be every disturbing feeling from uncomfortable to painful.  I have come to know that the autistic spectrum brain is wonderful.  It makes genius development in some areas, while some areas are underdeveloped like social connections.  And then there is the area that seems to get hyperstimulated from sights and sounds.  It can be painful to some extent.  And then you force the situations and the kids get hyperstimulated and then have “melt-downs”.  Which happened on Saturday.  He had a total melt down and came unglued.  It appeared to be from not being able to get a strike bowling while some of the other kids were but the bigger issue was just the over stimulation and then there was all the sugar (from the birthday cake) and eating foods that he is  highly sensitive like gluten on the pizza.

We went to another party on Sunday that he was actually quite excited about.  I was nervous after Saturday’s “come apart” but he wanted to go because it was at a remote control car place.  It was interesting because all of the kids were from his class at both parties.  All on the spectrum and it was a big party with a live DJ and music and lots of junk food and sodas.  I watched as several of the kids had melt downs and most of them walked around with their fingers in their ears to limit the stimulation.

I talked to another mom that has two kids on the spectrum.  It seems as if being on the spectrum is really becoming the “new norm”.  I have studied the spectrum quite a bit since it is so relative in my life.

The hormone oxytocin is our social hormone that is known as the “love hormone” it calms anxiety and is the hormone of birth that allows the mom to connect with the baby and has a key role in the breast feeding milk let down process.  It balances out cortisol in the stress response.  Interestingly when pregnancies are induced which a lot of them are these days, Pitocin is used to induce the pregnancy process. Pitocin is a chemical analog of oxytocin and then thought is that this bathes the brain and saturates the receptors at a critical time.  With the receptors saturated the brain development is delayed in areas of social connectivity.  When a baby doesn’t develop socially at the right time some areas of the brain become hypersensitive and soothing and calming can be the first deficit seen.  Colicky and cranky babies we call them.  My son was so hard to soothe.  It was quite stressful.

It’s interesting that my own ability to soothe myself is often hard and though the trade off is extreme intelligence in some areas knowing the root of the brain discrepancies can be very helpful.  I don’t like crowds and places that are prone to over stimulate me.  It’s funny, I like the thought of going to places like theme parks but then I get there and it’s quite miserable with all the hyper stimulating sights sounds and smells.

I have done a lot of research on methyl-folate and the autistic brain and development.  It is critical to a healthy brain and with all the chemicals and toxins we are exposed to it is critical to supplement with this essential B vitamin.  To have a healthy pregnancy and baby I believe it is one of the most important things to take.  Folic acid is not the same thing and if you have a genetic defect called MTHFR (methyl-tetra-hydro-folate reductase deficiency) taking folic acid can make the issues worse.  Getting tested for MTHFR can be very important in having a healthy mom and baby and this genetic defect can be found with diabetes, obesity, ADHD and sleep and hormone issues.  In fact taking folic acid which is believed to be the cheap alternative to folate can accumulate in people and cause build up of homocysteine an inflammatory substance that can predispose to heart attacks and stroke.  In a mom who is trying to get pregnant can cause miscarriages and hormone imbalance.

My thoughts on all of this.  Educate yourself about methyl-folate and its role in the body.  If you are a mom trying to get pregnant be aware that being induced may sound like a good idea but avoid it if at all possible and supplement with methyl-folate.

If you are on the autistic spectrum or have a child with some degree of hypersensitivity, ADHD or other issues know that you are not alone and it’s not your fault or the child’s.  Honor their feelings and if they don’t want to go into social situations don’t let your own feelings about what they should and shouldn’t experience cloud your judgement of what they need.  Love your children and let go of the fear of what other’s think or how they perceive your situation.  Time is short with them as children and the only regrets you will have are the regrets of forcing them into situations that weren’t comfortable.